Women's Lib

 

Because a woman’s work is never done.
and is underpaid, or unpaid, or boring, or repetitious,
and we’re the first to get fired,
and what we look like is more important than what we do.
And if we get raped it’s our fault
and if we get beaten we must have provoked it
and if we raise our voices we’re nagging bitches
and if we enjoy sex we’re nymphos
and if we don’t we’re frigid
and if we love women it’s because we can’t get a real man
and if we ask our doctor too many questions we’re neurotic or pushy
and if we expect childcare we’re selfish
and if we stand up for our rights we’re aggressive and un-feminine
and if we don’t we’re typical weak females
and if we want to get married we’re out to trap a man
and if we don’t we’re unnatural
and because we still can’t get an adequate, safe contraceptive, but men
can walk on the moon
and if we can’t cope or don’t want a pregnancy we’re made to feel guilty
about abortion
and for lots and lots of other reasons
we are part of the women’s liberation movement…

 

-Joyce Stevens, written for Women’s Liberation Broadsheet, International Woman’s Day, 1975

Computer Graded Test

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Saddle for Sale

 

Since I quit, I won't need this anymore.

Onion Horoscope

Aries The stars don’t understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you’ve done, though they’re mostly just referring to all the napping.

Taurus Remember: Some people were put on this earth to achieve great things. Other people, like you, are just here to help with exposition and backstory.

Gemini Much to your horror, the other shoe will finally drop this week, along with the other sock, half-a-dozen metal screws, and the other prosthetic leg.

Cancer You’d do just about anything to be able to see your father again, which is too bad, as he’s healthy, happy, and living at an assisted living center in Coral Springs.

Leo The earth and moon continue their age-old cosmic dance this week, bumping into nearby star systems, and bringing untold death and destruction to millions of lives.

Virgo This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy stayed home, but this little piggy—this little piggy right here—will be mailed to friends and family members for a healthy ransom.

Libra You’ll laugh all the way to the bank this week, before seeing your account statement, monthly service charges, looming overdraft fees, and crying all the way back home.

Scorpio The stars indicate that you’re way ahead of your time. Specifically, the year 2436, when covering oneself in bird dung and screaming angrily at the Sun will be commonplace.

Sagittarius The ebb and flow of the ocean tide will greatly influence your future this week, pushing you further and further away from all those rescue ships.

Capricorn It slices, it dices—it makes perfect shoestring fries each and every time! It’s Susan, the woman you married 15 years ago and now treat more like a kitchen appliance than your very wife!

Aquarius They say that home is where the heart is, but little do they know about the metal box, the bloody towels, and the crosscut saw beneath the floorboards.

Pisces An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.

 

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Girl Scouts Only

 

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